It is pre-MRI preparation. I start talking to Asher about his upcoming MRI about two weeks before the scheduled time. It is scheduled for February 21st. This following conversation took place Tuesday night, while tucking him into bed.

me: "Your MRI is in two weeks. On a Monday when you don't have school. Its a holiday. Daddy doesn't have to go to work either. Do you know why we do the MRI?"

Asher: While wiggling his fingers by his left temple, "To make sure there are no balls in my head."

me: "Yes, tumors. We are making sure no tumors are growing, in your brain, and your spine. They will scan your spine too," I said while rubbing a few fingers along his spine.

Asher: "Why?"

me: "Because the fluid in your brain travels down to your spine, and we need to make sure there aren't any tumors there, too. If your back ever hurts, you need to tell me."

Asher: "My back hurts."

me: "Like hurts and never goes away, or hurts and gets worse each day."

Asher: "Oh." (long pause) While touching the back of his head, at his scar, "Why did they cut back here, cut my head, when I was awake?"

me: "They never cut your head while you were awake."

Asher: "Yes they did."

me: "No, they put you to sleep just like you go to sleep for your MRIs."

Asher: "Yes they did. It really hurt."

me: "I wonder if you are remembering when you had the open wound and they were changing the dressing back there."

Asher: "They did cut back there while I was awake; I was holding a toy and looking this way and it hurt."

me: "That was when a child life person came in and gave you a toy to try to distract you. I wonder if you are remembering when they took the tape off your head. The very first time they did it, you were awake, but sedated with medicine, which didn't work very well. You were crying and holding my hands. I was there with you to make sure you were okay."

Asher: "They did cut my head when I was awake. Were you there to see it?"

me: "No, I couldn't go in with you for surgeries."

Asher: "Why not?"

me: "Because I am not a doctor or a nurse?"

Asher: "Why couldn't you go in and see the surgery."

me: "Like I said, because I am not a doctor or nurse."

Asher: "Well, they hurt my arm, right here," he said while pointing to his arm near his elbow. "And it was all bloody and it really hurt."

me: "Wow. (pause) Sounds like you remember having your Picc Line in your arm. You got an infection in the central line that was in your chest," I said as I touched him over his heart. "And you had to have a new one put in, in your arm. Before you started the last three months of chemo, they took the one in your arm out and put one in your chest," I said as I touched over his sternum. (bit of a pause) "OK, it is time to go to sleep now. Say your prayers. I love you. See you in the morning," I said as I kissed his forehead. I left him, in his dad's bed. (He still sleeps with his dad. When he started 2nd grade in August, I had him sleeping in his own bed. But, it didn't last but a few weeks.)

Asher: "Good night mom," he yelled to me after I was already downstairs.

me: Yelling loudly, "Good night Asher."

Downstairs I was in a bit of shock over his memories. He even seemed a bit upset while talking, as if he really remembers the pain. Wednesday afternoon I talked to my psychologist about Asher's and my conversation. I told her I hadn't looked at pictures in a very long time and I don't think Asher has seen any. His memories seemed real. Can he really remember? She asked me how old he was then. She said it is possible, that he remembers. Then I had a sudden thought. I wondered if that is why Asher wants the IV in his foot for MRIs instead of in his arm.

Happy 8th birthday to my boy!

We have been blessed with another year with Asher. He's grown physically, normally. He has remained healthy and not needed any antibiotics or doctor visits for illness. He can coast on a scooter and keep his balance. He is still trying to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels. He is reading better (but has trouble with story re-telling). He's good at math. He continues to be good at video games. He has friends. He is still shy. He tells me, his mama, that he loves me, and hugs me. He tests me, whining like a toddler, to get his way, but does not win. He's a normal kid, with a not-so-normal past.

Sometimes you hear, "Everything happens for a reason."

Sometimes you hear, "You will be happier if you are more grateful."

Sometimes you hear, "Don't fear or worry about things you can not control."

But, rarely do you hear the emotional truth, from a parent of a child who has/had cancer.

The emotional truth is that I am still searching for the reason, or trying to figure out how to live without one.

The emotional truth is that I thought I was plenty grateful. Somewhere, somehow the emotional trauma caught up with me, and no amount of thankfulness has repaired my pain.

The emotional truth is that I feel afraid and I worry.

A friend shared this blog article with me. My friend said, "It is written by an 'autism mom,' but I thought you could possibly relate." I read it and sobbed. Absolutely sobbed. There are no words that will express how I feel when I realize I am not alone.

When I last posted that I needed a break from this blog, I had started weekly therapy with a psychologist (July 1, 2010). By mid-August, after Asher's last MRI and clinic, I was much worse. She said I was in clinical depression and needed to seek help from a psychiatrist. So, I did, in early October. The med (Lexapro) the psychiatrist recommended, and prescribed, and I took, made me worse. By late November I chose to stop taking Lexapro (after my psychiatrist was unreachable (he went out of town for 6 weeks)). Under the advisement of my therapist, I voluntarily went into a mental health hospital in December to withdraw from Lexapro and get on new medications (Wellbutrin SR and Seroquel). I was there 12 days. Now I'm back to weekly therapy with my psychologist, and back to my psychiatrist bi-weekly. (Updated 3/3/11: Seroquel wasn't helping me and it was disturbing my sleep. My psychiatrist gave me Symbyax and instantly I noticed a change in my sleep and I even felt really good the first week I started it. Not so sure right now how the mediations are working for me, but just wanted to update here.)

I have to say, thank goodness for real help.

I have no shame in my emotional journey, and I share it with you.

And, to my beautiful boy, happy birthday!

Happy 7th birthday to my boy! Every birthday with Asher feels like a huge miracle and makes me bawl my eyes out!!!

Took some pictures real quick before he headed to the arcade with his dad....couldn't go as a family because the little ones are too sick....so I'm a bit sad, as I had planned to take him to Disneyland....oh well....this will do....I know he's going to have fun with his dad today.

To my beautiful boy, happy birthday!

To my beautiful boy, happy birthday!

I can hardly believe this day is here....today is the last day of chemo....a day to celebrate!

I am soooo proud of you Asher-B for hanging in there the last eight months of treatment. I love you little guy!!! Love, Mama

Some quotes for this day:

There are no gains without pains. -Benjamin Franklin

To succeed, we must first believe that we can. -Michael Korda

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. -Louis Pasteur

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win. -Bernadette Devlin

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. -Elaine Maxwell

Asher,

Thanks for calling me last night, and leaving me a message on the answering machine. I was upstairs putting the girls to bed when you called. I didn't even realize that was you playing the Harmonica until I called you back and you played some more. You told me the playroom director, Cathy, gave it to you and you LOVED it. How fun for you. I hope all the nurses enjoyed hearing you play since your room is right across from the nurses station.

I know I already talked to you twice this morning, but I want to call you back again so I can somehow make you feel better today. You sound really bummed today. Tired and down. I think if you ask the nurse for some oxycodone or even morphine you might feel better; it will take away some of the pain. I know you told me this morning you don't like medicine, but you also know you'll feel better with it. Maybe you can get it in your tubbie instead of in your mouth.

I talked to Daddy about getting you platelets today and blood tomorrow (if you need it). Just thinking I don't want you to have both the same day since you almost always get a fever from platelets, and your platelets dropped from 60 to 32 in one days so I'm afraid you're going to lose more today. Daddy will talk to the doctor this morning so hopefully they will get a game plan and you'll feel a bit better later on today.

Love ya!
Mama

Dear Asher,
Did you like all the toys I dropped off for you this morning? They are some of your favorites from when you were in the hospital last fall. Now you can't get bored, for at least 2 days Enjoy playing. I miss you.
Mama

Asher,
I wanted you to know that last night before bed, when I asked Alexa, "What do you want to pray for?" she answered, "Asher." Every night we pray for you, honey. We miss you when we're not with you.
Love,
Mommy and Alexa (and Aubree too!)

Dear Asher,
It is almost 10pm and it is quiet, with exception of a few crickets outside. I'm ready to hook you up to your fluids, but you're not here, you're at the hospital and the nurses are taking care of you tonight. I remember when Daddy would say, "Mommy is your nurse tonight" when I was hooking your fluids to your catheter and you said, "No, she's not. She's mommy!" I'm going to miss that little noise that your pump made all night long over the intercom monitor. I'm really missing you right now and I'm really sorry you have to be at the hospital instead of at home. There are just some medicines mommy can't give you at home. I'm praying for you though, that you will feel my love and sleep well tonight and have fun with some of your friends at the hospital tomorrow. I'll be coming with the girls again tomorrow. Sleep tight.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. I am leaving your spiderman nightlight on in your room. I noticed the glow from your room as I put Alexa to bed tonight and it made me feel close to you!