Happy 8th birthday to my boy!
We have been blessed with another year with Asher. He's grown physically, normally. He has remained healthy and not needed any antibiotics or doctor visits for illness. He can coast on a scooter and keep his balance. He is still trying to learn how to ride a bike without training wheels. He is reading better (but has trouble with story re-telling). He's good at math. He continues to be good at video games. He has friends. He is still shy. He tells me, his mama, that he loves me, and hugs me. He tests me, whining like a toddler, to get his way, but does not win. He's a normal kid, with a not-so-normal past.
Sometimes you hear, "Everything happens for a reason."
Sometimes you hear, "You will be happier if you are more grateful."
Sometimes you hear, "Don't fear or worry about things you can not control."
But, rarely do you hear the emotional truth, from a parent of a child who has/had cancer.
The emotional truth is that I am still searching for the
reason, or trying to figure out how to live without one.
The emotional truth is that I thought I was plenty
grateful. Somewhere, somehow the emotional trauma caught up with me, and no amount of thankfulness has repaired my
pain.
The emotional truth is that I feel
afraid and I
worry.
A friend shared this
blog article with me. My friend said, "It is written by an 'autism mom,' but I thought you could possibly relate." I read it and sobbed. Absolutely sobbed. There are no words that will express how I feel when I realize I am
not alone.
When I last posted that I needed a break from this blog, I had started weekly
therapy with a psychologist (July 1, 2010). By mid-August, after Asher's last MRI and clinic, I was much worse. She said I was in clinical depression and needed to seek help from a psychiatrist. So, I did, in early October. The med (Lexapro) the psychiatrist recommended, and prescribed, and I took, made me worse. By late November I chose to stop taking Lexapro (after my psychiatrist was unreachable (he went out of town for 6 weeks)). Under the advisement of my therapist, I voluntarily went into a mental health hospital in December to withdraw from Lexapro and get on new medications (Wellbutrin SR and Seroquel). I was there 12 days. Now I'm back to weekly therapy with my psychologist, and back to my psychiatrist bi-weekly. (Updated 3/3/11: Seroquel wasn't helping me and it was disturbing my sleep. My psychiatrist gave me Symbyax and instantly I noticed a change in my sleep and I even felt really good the first week I started it. Not so sure right now how the mediations are working for me, but just wanted to update here.)
I have to say, thank goodness for
real help.
I have no shame in my emotional journey, and I share it with you.
And, to my beautiful boy, happy birthday!