It is time, for me to move on from this blog.

Asher is doing well and I need to keep his new healthy life separate from the past sick life.

He currently has MRIs every 6 months, so not often, but I will post scan results under "TREATMENT" (clickable along the top of this frame around the text).

I've gone through and made most of my "feelings" posts from the last two years private so I can read them, if needed, in the future, but I do not want to read them anymore.

The blog will remain up, as a way to reach out to those that may be interested in Head Start clinical trial for a three year old (or those under 6 that do not receive radiation). I am available if you have any questions; just sign the guestbook and I can email you back. I've done this for several people who have emailed me.

1/23/07
For those of you who are not direct linking to Asher's blinkie, I have updated the image to say 4 years old instead of 3 1/2. Thanks to those who display the image all over the web!!

9/16/06
I don't know if anyone could use this....but if you post in a forum or have a blog and want to use this, feel free. I know you're not usually supposed to link from a site, but feel free to just link to the image here so if I make changes your image is always current:
http://www.asherbenjamin.net/asherbenjamin-cancer-blinkie.gif

I love knowing people come here to find out how Asher is doing. I love watching the counter go up and up and up each day. I love reading the comments and emails/guestbook entries. I love knowing friends tell their friends about Asher and now they are coming to the blog and praying for Asher too. I love knowing people have made bookmarks and passed them out to their friends. I love knowing masses have been said for Asher at churches. And, let me tell you how much I really love knowing you, the readers of this blog, tell your children about Asher! Asher receives gifts in the mail at the hospital and at home: homemade balloons, butterflies, cards, handprints,....he LOVES them! He knows another child made them, a friend. But, what really touches me, and what I tell Asher about, are the emails I receive telling me about your children and how they think about Asher, talk about Asher, and pray for Asher. Two recent stories to share....

Ben (4) was playing on his bunk bed and poor guy, got a big wood splinter under his toe nail. He had to go to the ER to get it removed and the first thing he said when he got there, "Where is my friend Asher?"

Erin (3 1/2) sits on her mom's lap to read the blog every day and she kisses Asher on the computer monitor. She also prays for Asher with her mom each time they read.

Please post your stories here, in comments, if your child has said or done something for Asher. We would all love to read more about how children are touching Asher from afar! THANK YOU!

We're just looking at various templates....if you stop by while the blog keeps changing, it is just us trying to find a new look.

UPDATE - 8/14 11:55PM: We think we have a new look we like. We added the column on the left because we had a lot we wanted to get on there but we felt too much scrolling wouldn't be too fun. There were a couple of templates that we liked but they didn't work well in Internet Explorer (IE) as they seem to be designed for Firefox. Please post a comment if you have any trouble viewing anything. And, if the font is too small for you, note you can go to the top of your screen in your browser and click View/Text Size and choose a larger setting ("medium" will use the default settings of a website you viewing). Also, I think you really need to view this site in at least 1024x768 screen resolution. If you are using 800x600 it will be difficult viewing.

UPDATE - 8/16: I will be moving photos/slideshows off the sidebars in the blog (and probably to asherbenjamin.net) because it is causing loading problems if you have dial-up Internet and if you use Firefox (instead of IE).

UPDATE - 8/17: I'm still having trouble displaying this blog properly in FIREFOX. Anyone else???

UPDATE - 8/17 6:30PM: Now why didn't I think to just upgrade Firefox? Working GOOD now (except for the weird looking bullets in the right side-bar)! Thanks for posting comments to help me out

UPDATE - 8/19: I put the slideshows back on - let me know if you have a problem viewing, thanks!

I made these prayer bookmarks....was going to print and mail out and realized it is too big of a project for me to take on right now....so hoping if I just post them here you can print yourself one....Scott and I may try to mail them to family that we know do not have Internet access.

UPDATE 8/17: I have put new photos on a couple of the bookmarks and added the blog URL - links here:
Bookmark 1 & 2 & 3
and to print out a full sheet of 6:
Bookmark 1 & 2 & 3

Hope you enjoy the slide shows of the digital scrapbook pages I have made of Asher (one for each year). You can put your mouse over, click to activate, then hold mouse over to pause and also then click an image to view larger.

UPDATE - I added my original journal entries to this (Scott's) blog. And, I will also do some posting here as I heard many of you want my (the mom's) perspective on this journey. Thank you for your support.

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I received a few emails from close friends asking about my online journal about Asher....

First I want to say that I started it thinking it would be the only way to update family and friends, and as the news was spreading, there were many people looking for updates. I thought Scott and I would have one blog and both post. Then I started one but he did too and it ended up being we both had one.

I can't even really begin to tell you why I have decided to not share it online, but I'll say I decided it during the night around 2am when Aubree was up, wide awake. I saw Scott's post about 'treatment protocols' and the 'Steven Bell Blog' and I clicked....probably my biggest mistake this week....

It depressed me....as if cancer isn't depressing enough. I didn't want this website to turn into a "memorial" some day. I didn't want complete strangers or even my mom reading about how I was really feeling but at the same time I wanted to be able to say whatever I felt at the time, without feeling guilty or someone saying I shouldn't feel that way. I want to remain positive and optimistic that my son will be in the 80% that get cured from this (although I don't really believe statistics matter). He is a fighter, and I am sure every kid is!

The biggest thing that affected me, that I read on a blog that night, and it was linked from the first one (I think I visited 5 that night), was the mom saying she had guilt....guilt about not being able to save her son's life and guilt about being on the computer when she could be with her son.

That's it, that is when I hit the delete key to my online journal. Wake up call for me! Going into my room on my computer or opening my laptop on the couch didn't feel good, didn't make me feel better....being with my son did and does! I am amazed at how good I can feel being near my son, even when he is in pain, telling him it is okay to cry or whatever it is he needs to do. I am there with him, for him, as much as I can. It was so hard for me to leave the hospital each night, but I knew Aubree needed me as did Alexa, even if it was during the night. Now my son is home, most of the time, and I want to be right there, with him, no where else.

You know, I don't want to cry right now, and I don't feel the need to, for the most part. I want to be focused. I want to fight this cancer. I want to go to bed when all the kids are sleeping so I can get as much sleep as I can. I don't want to be held by this computer and website. I have decided, even if I do journal, it will be for me and just for therapy, to get through my days when I can't cope with feelings, so I can sleep at night....if my mind is racing with thoughts or feelings and I can't sleep, I can type it out and then go to bed to get the rest I need to function the next day.

I am a perfectionist and wanted to make the site for everyone else, with great presentation, photos, and accurate info....now I realize this isn't about anyone else. This is about Asher. This is about my son, my husband, my daughters, me and our future. I am sure, unless you have or had a child with cancer, you can't begin to imagine how I feel right now and I have heard that some people don't want to know. That reading the journaling is too hard. That they just want to know the medical updates. That that is all they can deal with. I think that makes a lot of sense and maybe the most sense right now. I don't want to get others caught up in my emotions. I just want everyone that is willing to pray, to pray for Asher, for my son to not have to suffer or feel too much pain, for his strength and courage as well as our's, his family, those that must take care of him and watch over him and his sisters....pray for us all!

So with all of those thoughts going through my mind (they sound cluttered and messed up, don't they?) I hope you understand why I went private with my journaling. I hope Scott will still find the time to update all of you here in his blog when he can, but he returns to work next week and Asher goes to surgery this weekend and starts chemo shortly after....there is always a lot going on but I am sure he will post when he has time (and he types fast so that helps too!).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - God Bless You - Steph