It was one year ago today that Asher had his first chemo. It took me till 2:45pm today to even remember that. That must mean I am getting a little further away from some of this stuff, or I am just preoccupied with finishing up some things before Andrew is born, which I have a feeling will be very soon. I haven't felt too well the last two days, but now that Asher has a cold I'm thinking it could be a combo of me coming down with the cold too and early practice labor stuff.

I was looking back in the blog, and early in this journey, thoughts and feelings were more difficult to record, but I realize, even without the journal, I can't forget, although I wish I could, for the most part.

I remember our first hospital room, off in the corner, thought it wasn't a bad room. It was by the stairway so sometimes the door slammed a lot, mostly in the early morning hours. It was always a corner that people would go to talk on their cell phones, to get a little privacy, I guess. The room would have two patients, one by the door and one by the window, with a curtain separating them.

I remember I didn't like being by the door and couldn't wait for us to move to the window side, and at that time, it was only because I got little to no privacy when I needed to pump breastmilk for Aubree when I was there.

I remember the first family that we roomed with. Their little girl, a baby in fact, had eye surgery because she had cancer of/in her eye. In fact, it is Grace's carepage that reminded me of today. I got an email that they updated their journal. She has been cancer free since her surgery. It would be the first of many roommates that I barely said hello to. I haven't ever been too big on socializing, and this wouldn't change too soon.

I remember after Grace went home, we got our second roommate, after Scott moved our stuff to the window side. The little boy was a bit younger than Asher and also had brain cancer.

I remember being tired, but finding I couldn't nap at all with the people and the noise. This wouldn't change too soon, either, unfortunately.

I remember the first time Asher threw up. He didn't look so well in the playroom and we began our walk back to the room from the playroom and I was carrying him. That's when he threw up, down the back of my shirt. That was my first lesson in two things (1) bring extra clothes to the hospital even if I'm not staying overnight and (2) always bring a large plastic vomit bin when walking in the halls or going to the playroom.

I remember the sick look on Asher's face, in his eyes, in his expression.

I remember the fear on Alexa's face when she saw Asher throw up in his bed for the first time. She immediately wanted to go home and that made me sooooo sad!

I remember the joy it brought to Asher to see the girls and I come to play with him and to see him! He loved to hold Aubree and help take care of her. He's such a good big brother!

I remember being so scared, so angry, so unsure how I was going to watch Asher go through chemo and how I was going to help him feel better or pass the time.

It was one year ago today...so many memories...so many thoughts and feelings...and I pretty much can't really come to say anything wise, except, if it weren't for chemo, we wouldn't be where we are today!